Have You Heard of Artificial Intimacy?

Have you ever been in the same room as your partner, but felt miles apart? It’s not just about being physically close—it’s about feeling emotionally connected. The first time I heard the term artificial intimacy was from a conversation between two relationship experts, Esther Perel and Brene Brown. They were talking about how couples can be in the same room, maybe even in the same bed, but still feel disconnected. It’s more common than you might think! So, what exactly is artificial intimacy, and how can you tell if it’s affecting your relationship?

What is Artificial Intimacy?

Artificial intimacy is when two people in a relationship seem close but aren’t truly connecting on an emotional level. It’s like when you and your partner are together, maybe even talking or watching TV, but you don’t really open up or share your feelings. It’s a surface-level connection that feels empty, and over time, it can make you feel lonely, even though you’re not alone.

We live in a world where we’re always busy, and technology often gets in the way of real conversations. Couples might think they are getting closer by spending time together, but the emotional gap is only getting bigger. It’s like having a friend in the room but feeling like they’re not really there for you.

Why Are So Many People Feeling Lonely in Relationships?

Did you know that a study by the American Psychological Association in 2018 found that 40% of married couples said they felt lonely in their relationship? Even though we’re more connected than ever with social media and phones, many people still feel emotionally isolated. This happens when couples stop being vulnerable with each other or avoid deep conversations. They end up getting busy, staring at screens, or avoiding hard talks, and that makes the loneliness worse.

It’s like being constantly surrounded by noise but not hearing each other. The loneliness that comes from artificial intimacy is real, even if you share a house and a bed.

Fierce Intimacy: The Key to Real Connection

So, how can we change this? Enter fierce intimacy. This is a term created by therapist Terry Real, and it’s the opposite of artificial intimacy. Fierce intimacy is about being emotionally open, honest, and fully present with your partner—even when things are tough. It’s about really knowing each other, being brave enough to have deep conversations, and staying close even during hard times.

Fierce intimacy means you don’t just spend time together; you make sure to stay emotionally connected. It’s about creating a safe space where both of you feel heard, valued, and understood. And it takes work—real, emotional work.

Artificial Intimacy vs. Fierce Intimacy

Here’s a simple way to tell the difference between artificial intimacy and fierce intimacy:

Artificial Intimacy:
◦ Conversations are shallow or avoidant.
◦ You spend time together but don’t really check in emotionally.
◦ There’s a growing distance, even though you’re physically close.
◦ Hard conversations are ignored, and feelings are bottled up.

Fierce Intimacy:
◦ Conversations are deep, real, and open.
◦ You regularly check in with each other and make the relationship a priority.
◦ You face challenges together with empathy and understanding.
◦ Both partners are committed to growing individually and as a couple.

Artificial intimacy can make you feel disconnected and unhappy. On the other hand, fierce
intimacy helps you feel truly close and strengthens your relationship in the long run.

How to Build Fierce Intimacy: 3 Actionable Steps

Check in Emotionally: Ask your partner how they’re really feeling—don’t just talk about your day or the weather. Make time for deep conversations, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. A simple question like “How are you really doing?” can open the door to meaningful connection.

1. Check in Emotionally: Ask your partner how they’re really feeling—don’t just talk about your day or the weather. Make time for deep conversations, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. A simple question like “How are you really doing?” can open the door to meaningful connection.
2. Face Problems Together: Don’t ignore the tough stuff. If something’s bothering you, don’t just let it slide. Bring it up calmly, and listen to your partner’s feelings. Working through problems together will make you feel closer.
3. Practice Vulnerability: Share your true feelings, even if it’s hard. Tell your partner when you’re feeling sad, insecure, or overwhelmed. Being vulnerable creates a stronger, more trusting relationship.

How Relationship Coaching Can Help

If you’re realizing that artificial intimacy is affecting your relationship, don’t worry—you don’t have to figure it out alone. Relationship coaching can help couples understand each other better, communicate more effectively, and build a strong emotional bond. A coach can guide you in moving from surface-level interactions to real, meaningful conversations.

In coaching, you can learn how to practice emotional safety, be vulnerable, and face challenges together. The journey toward a closer connection may be challenging, but with the right tools and guidance, you can create a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.

Conclusion: Are You Truly Connected?

Artificial intimacy may feel like an easy way to stay close, but it leads to loneliness. Fierce intimacy, on the other hand, helps build the deep emotional connection that every relationship needs to thrive.

If you’re feeling disconnected, it’s time to take action. Are you ready to embrace fierce intimacy and strengthen your emotional bond with your partner?

As Dr. John Gottman says, “The greatest gift you can give your partner is a deep understanding of who they are.”

What’s one step you can take today to start building fierce intimacy in your relationship?