How Laziness Quietly Destroys Love

Let me tell you about something I’ve heard countless times in my 25+ years as a relationship therapist and coach:

A woman sits on the edge of her bed, hands pressed into her temples. The house is finally quiet, kids asleep, the kitchen mostly tidied, tomorrow’s to-dos already weighing on her mind. She checks her phone, hoping for a sweet message from her partner. Nothing. Instead of comfort, she feels that old, familiar pit in her stomach: Are we okay? Am I the only one trying?

By morning, she’ll shake it off, jump into breakfast prep, shuttle the kids to daycare, crush it at work, burying her relationship fears under the weight of her busy life. But night after night, the same uneasy thoughts creep back: Is this it? Are we just roommates?

This isn’t one client’s story. It’s a composite of hundreds of conversations I’ve had over the years. Different names, faces, genders, and circumstances, but the same aching question underneath: How did we get so lazy about love?

Why We Get Lazy in Love (And How It Sneaks Up On Us)

Have you ever felt anxious about your relationship? Do you often feel disconnected and are craving calm closeness? You might be shocked to learn it’s not uncommon. Research from the Journal of Marriage and Family found that nearly 67% of couples report a significant decline in relationship quality within the first three years after having children. Why? The emotional energy it takes to maintain intimacy gets redirected to parenting, working, and surviving.

• You stop asking thoughtful questions.
• You let curiosity die and assume you already know what your partner thinks.
• You soothe yourself with Netflix and scrolling instead of gently exploring your partner’s world.
• You only bring things up when you’re hurt or mad.
  It’s a silent form of laziness—and it can devastate love.

What Most Articles Won’t Tell You: Laziness is a Nervous
System Issue, Too

Most relationship blogs just say “be intentional,” “schedule date nights,” or “communicate more.” That’s great, but misses something deeper.

The truth? Chronic stress and subtle trauma responses can make us lazy lovers by shrinking our capacity for relational creativity. When you’re anxious or on edge (like many partners, worried constantly if their relationship will last), your body’s sympathetic nervous system is activated. It gears up to fight, flee, or freeze—not to cuddle, wonder, play, or explore.

Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory shows we literally lose access to the part of our nervous system that makes us feel safe, open, playful, and connected when we’re stuck in stress. That means:

• You won’t naturally feel like sending a flirty text.
• You won’t naturally lean in for a long hug.
• You won’t get creative in showing love.
• You’ll default to doing as little as possible—aka lazy relating.

It’s not just a willpower thing. It’s a nervous system regulation thing.

Why Being “Lazy in Love” is the Start of the End

Here’s what makes it so dangerous: relationships run on tiny, daily deposits. Dr. John Gottman (who studied over 3,000 couples) found that it takes at least 5 positive interactions to counteract a single negative one. Couples who stop making these deposits—checking in, hugging longer, offering small acts of service—watch resentment grow and trust fade. Eventually, one or both partners feel so unloved, they start to emotionally check out or look elsewhere for validation. It rarely happens overnight. It’s death by a thousand missed opportunities.

How to Stay Consistent in Love (Even When You’re Tired,
Busy, or Anxious)

1. Understand your nervous system’s role.
   If your body is stuck in a state of mild alarm, it’s going to resist connection. Ground yourself first: breathe slowly, go for a short walk, stretch. Then try reaching out to your partner.
2. Do micro-moments of connection.
   Not every effort needs to be grand. 6-second kisses, a text that says “thinking of you,” placing your hand on their heart—these are small but mighty.
3. Make requests before you’re angry.
   Don’t wait until you’re upset to communicate. But gentle vulnerability works better. Instead of “You never appreciate me!” try: “I’d really love if we could cuddle for five minutes after the kids are asleep. It would help me feel close to you.”
4. Get curious.
   Ask your partner new questions. What would your perfect Saturday look like if money was no object? What’s a song lyric that always hits you hard? Curiosity is the opposite of lazy autopilot.
5. Work with a relationship coach.
   This is where I come in. I’ve spent over 25 years helping people learn to regulate their nervous systems, communicate warmly instead of harshly, and rebuild consistency so love stops feeling so fragile. In my coaching, we dive into the real patterns blocking joy, not just surface fixes.

A Closing Thought (And A Question For You)

I love this quote by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.:

“We’re all connected. We all screw up. When apologies are done right, they’re very healing. But when they’re absent or lazy, they compromise—sometimes destroy—what we hold dear.”

The truth is, working on your relationship is hard work. But it’s the kind of work that keeps your love vibrant and safe. Without it, you risk sleepwalking into disconnection.

So here’s my question for you:
▸ What’s one small, loving action you can do today that interrupts lazy autopilot and reminds your partner (and yourself) that this relationship matters? Comment below.

If you’d like to learn how to stay consistent in love—no matter how anxious, overwhelmed, or disconnected you feel—I’d love to help. Explore how my relationship coaching can support you
in building the connection and calm you long for.

Book Recommendations:

• Gottman J., Gottman J.S. (2015). The Seven Prinvciples for Making Marriage Work. (Link
  for Amazon Affiliate)
• Porges, S.W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory. (Link for Amazon Affiliate)